random nutz

Ok.. I know fictional.. but necessary sometimes.. Plus I think my husband may have been planning ahead when he bought the super extra tall toilet for " me" .. :-/ I'm 5'2 on a good day I don't need an extra tall anything.. now I feel like I am 5 dangling my legs on the toilet. *sigh*

Werewolf vs Vampire part one.. which would I prefer to be???

First off I would like to say that  I have been reading Vamp/Paranormal fiction before it was cool. Second... Twilight doesn't count. If it sparkles it is a fairy.. NOT a vampire.. if it sparkles, is a virgin, and is a whiner it is a pussy gay fairy... (wait.. is that redundant???) again NOT I repeat NOT a vampire.

So as I have read many of these novels it makes me ponder the question.. given the choice which would I rather be? A Vamp.. or a Were???  Let's look at the pro's a con's shall we??

Ok Vamp first. Pro's
1. Would get to live a looong loong time... like long enough to piss on your enemies graves long... (assuming you still pee when you are dead)

2. You would evidently be awesomely gorgeous, have super speed and super strength, and mind control powers which would be AWE-SOME!!! ( I would use my powers for good only... well.... mostly ;-) )

3. I am already a night shift person so I would totally rule the night!!

4. Most Vamps are rich.. very very rich!. That would buy me the best coffin out there for sure!

Ok Cons.
1. Avoiding stupid pricks with Buffy fixations constantly trying to stake me. HELLLOO Angel was a good Vamp so put the pointy thing down Zander!!

2. All liquid diet?? Ummm not sure about that. Plus drinking only blood, I am going to have to carry a rapid AIDS and HEP C test with me. Ewwww....I don't wanna be the only yellow vampire out there. Plus it just seems a bit gross. And I have a sweet tooth too.. would I have to bite diabetics to get my sweet fix .. with their sugar level being higher and all???

3. While I like the night and all.. being dead and helpless during the day is creepy, ( not too different from my life now however oddly enough)

Ok seems even for vamps.. now on to Weres

Pro's
1. Totally get to be a different species, Were- tiger, panther, wolf, etc they come in all shapes sizes. You could give in to your primal instincts plus have heightened senses when in human form Awesome

2. Higher metabolism!! You can eat so much more!! No more dieting. Can I get a HELL YEAH!!!

3. Can be out day or night!! Round the clock awesomeness.

4. Being called someone's Bitch could be a statement of fact and not a derogatory term. 

Con's

1. Unplanned changes and ruined clothes. Would need to plan better, plus couldn't wear jewelry seriously rings on human hands will not fit on Werewolf paws.. TRUST me.

2. Pack politics.. trust me I read a lot of books, there is always bickering inside packs for rank in the pack etc. Not sure if I could be that much of a team player.

3. shedding.. yeah I said it... shedding.. I would NEVER get pet hair out of my clothes.. especially if it was coming from me LOL.

4. Come on would it ALWAYS have to be doggie style??? Just sayn' ..



All in all I think I would prefer to be a Were. It would be so cool to be dual natured I think. Plus drinking blood ... EWWWW... no thank you. I'll take the eat more never diet plan...

Next entry.. which would I rather DATE.??? Hmmmm....

Reality TV.. Junk food for the brain... Plus it makes me feel better about myself

So I am a reality TV junkie. I really love to get my fix every week. Not Survivor or Big Brother or any of those other Pussy shows.. I'm talking REAL reality.. like Toddlers and Tiara's, Hoarders, My Strange Addiction and the like. If I want competition I watch Project Runway, America's next Top Model and the creme de la creme of competitions hosted by the Queen herself Ru Paul's Drag Race.

Sometimes I wonder why I watch these things, then I realize it makes me feel sooo much better after watching. I watch Hoarders and I look around my cluttered house and think " This ain't so bad, the at least I don't have a layer of diapers of shit on the floor"  and if my husband says anything about the dirty dishes in the sink I can say " at least these are from this week... I think"

I have 2 daughters and if they start to complain that I am too hard on them I can pull up an episode of Toddlers and Tiara's and say " See.. At least I don't put fake dentures over your teeth and staple a dead poodle on your head. No I love you even though your ugly.. now go get me some ho ho's. "

And My Strange Addiction. Really?? This makes me feel so FUCKING normal!! It is aweeee-sommmme, transsexual who likes to be a baby?? Great!. Guy who thinks his robotic sex doll is his girfriend? Creepy but at least he's not reproducing. Lady that eats dryer sheets, rocks, pottery, etc.. seriously WTF?? Have you not tasted Oreos??  Who the hell picks up a dryer sheet and thinks.. well this looks yummy.. I'll just stick this in my bra for later??

Project Runway started tonight and I am so happy! Now I get to see bitchy judges tear apart some poor designers dream because they couldn't make a proper cocktail dress using only cupcake cups and plastic spoons.  Just kidding. The things these designers come up with in such a short amount of time is awesome! And sometimes I think the judges get it wrong.. ( Helllooooo Mondo soooo should have won last season!! ) But it is so much fun seeing the good and bad that comes from these folks.

And ANTM  oh my goodness, put 15 or so of the most vapid young adults in one house and you are going to get drama!! Plus usually I can pick the most awkward and quirky won will get waaaay further than I would have expected . ( Ann?? McKey?? really??? ) Plus Tyra gets crazier and crazier each season.. I think all the Smizing has done something to her brain. Also.. please please please lay off the jumpsuits Tyra. I am so over them for the last 2 damn seasons!!!

And the only thing that could be more catty than 15 young girls... 15 young or old Drag Queens!!! OMG this show should win an Emmy for AWESOMENESS!!! Vague sexual undertones, awesome judges, and the she males!! OMG they make me feel so homely!. They are made of fabulous!!

So if you haven't checked out any of these awesome shows WTF is wrong with you??? Tune in right away, it is cheaper than a psychiatrist and guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself,... unless you are a hoarder, have a strange addiction or are a pagent mom that is .

Tales from the Bedside Part 1.. Conversations I can't believe I've had to have

So for those of you that don't know, my day job is that of a nurse. I have worked ICU for the last 10 years. I really do love my job despite some problems I may have with the politics that surround it. I love that I seem to learn something new every shift, that every day is different, and the variety of people I meet. My job has also given me plenty of stories that often start with " You are NOT going to believe this shit!" .

People that know me often wonder if I have a filter that goes between my brain and my mouth ,and if I DO have that filter what they can do to unclog it. I would like to let those folks know that I do indeed have a filter but I have to use it so much at work in my off time I just take it off and let the thoughts fly.

I have also had to work on my poker face. There is some things that you see, hear , have to say etc that you CANNOT let your face betray your real thoughts.  To illustrate this point I came up with a few of the conversations I've had to have, things I have had to say and do in my tenure so far as a nurse.

The very first one  that pops to mind is the time I was taking care of a patient that was pronounced brain dead and was to become an organ donor. He was just about to go for his harvest when I got this phone call.

Me: Nurse Tonya Can I help you?
Family : Yeah I heard that my cousin's brother's brother in law (or something like that ) was pronounced brain dead.
Me; Yes  that is correct I am so sorry for your loss
Family: Well.. how long do you expect that to last?? .
 Me: umm... well forever madam, death is usually a permanent condition ( If my filter had NOT been in place I would have said what was running through my brain which was " Jesus came back in three days so mark it on your calender and call me  back and we'll see if you got lucky" . ) 
Family: Well ya mean after his surgery he  won't be un brain dead (Did I mention I live in the South?)
Me: Um.. no he won't be any better after they harvest his organs madam.
 Family: Why NOT?? (she's getting angry now)
Me. : Um because he won't have a heart, liver ,or kidney's in his body anymore??
Family: *hangs up*

I have actually had to say the words.. WITH A STRAIGHT FACE mind you .
" Ms. Smith this is Dr. Dufus he will be your anesthesiologist today and he will be going over the procedure" (and yes his name was pronounced just like it sounds)

I have also had to say. " I don't know about that I'll have to call Dr. Kevorkian and ask them" At the look of horror on my patient's face I had to back track and tell that that Dr Kevorkian was a she and no relation to the OTHER one. ( I would have changed my name if I was either one of these doctors)

I have had to write a note above a patient's bed that said " PLEASE DO NOT WRITE ON THE PATIENT!" This was after one of his drinking buddies had come by to visit him and after he left I went into the patient's room to find a smiley face written on his forehead", I love you" on the back of one hand and "from Jim" on the back of the other hand with dimples drawn on his face. I mean COME ON just because the guy is sedated on the ventilator in the ICU does not give you permission to treat him like a Doodle Bear!!.

I have participated in the cornering , and surrounding and apprehending of more that one naked patient brandishing a IV pole trying to make a break for it.

I have actually had to say " No I will not take his catheter out so you can give him a blow job!' " No I DON'T think that will bring him out of his coma!"

I have been in the room taking care of a patient on the ventilator ( their lungs) on all the cardiovascular drugs we can give them to give them a blood pressure, and running a dialysis machine ( for their kidneys) and have  a family member ask if I would say the patient was "technically" ( they used air quotes on me) on life support.  ( I wanted to say WTF?? Are you not seeing what the hell I am seeing?? Of COURSE they are on life support. !) But what  I said  out loud was " Yes they are on life support" . ( see filter firmly in place there)

I have had to keep a straight face when the 3 children of a dying patient that I had just discussed making her a DNR or no code due to her poor prognosis came up to me and asked " What is $1500 split 3 ways?" I answered "$500?" They conferred again briefly and then said " OK you can pull the plug now"

I have had to wheel a corpse to our temporary morgue freezer which was a freezer truck in our ER's parking lot. affectionately called the Corpsecicle truck.  So we had to wheel the bodies outside, onto the lift of the semi, at night (because I work nights) in a bad part of town, press the lift button, ride the lift to the bed of the truck and push the body inside. One night my stretcher almost.. allllmoooost flipped over with my rather heavy corpse on it. I was sooo not going to be able to pick up the body on the ground had it flipped over, nor could I imagine leaving it there while I ran inside to get help for the dead man in the parking lot. Guess I got lucky he stayed put.

The final one I'll share today is the time when a patient had died and I had to go out to waiting room with the doctor to explain that they had died despite our efforts to save them. The doctor explained that the patient had died from a lack of oxygen for a prolonged period of time. The patient's grandson yelled out " She couldn't have run out of oxygen we rolled down the windows in *town about 30  min from hospital* and we let her head hang out, so she got plenty of oxygen ( now I have the visual of dead grandma's head hanging out of the window of a car doing ninety.) 


I'm sure I' ll think of  more later, and most likely there will be more entries in Tales from the Bedside. But for now I'm going to bed.

Men.. Please please Please PLEASE check your NUTZ.

 I know this PSA is for Testicular Cancer and most men know this is a reason to check their nuts. I would like to share another reason to check a horrible problem called Fournier gangrene or in lamens terms Gangrene of the Scrotum.. or rotten crotch. I have had to take care of  3 count them THREE cases of it this year so far and it is not pretty at all. And quite frankly I am sick of seeing rotten nuts so I am going to tell all men to please please please keep a closer eye on the family jewels. If you need to be scared straight for a reason check this out. http://www.scielo.br/img/revistas/ibju/v33n4/n4a08fig02.jpg, (do not click unless you have a strong stomach.. VERY graphic.  ) This is about average of what I have seen post op... One man's was so bad he lost his penis.

What completely baffles me is how men let this go?? I mean men are very attached to their junk,, they measure penis size, scratch their scrotum, squeeze it and thrust in dancing moves just like Michael Jackson, Hold on to them when sitting on the couch like their own worry stone so I cannot understand how your nuts can look like THIS .and you just let it go??  Again VERY graphic link involving penis.

It's not like you guys don't touch it a million times a day, so bend over and take a gander for yourself, if you have a belly and can't see your junk ( And I have seen some that can't ) go to a doctor and have him look, or hire a hooker to check I don't care just check that shit out!!!

I know you guys are attached to the balls, I took care of severe head injuries for a while, 99% of the men coming out of a coma developed the PPS (Positive Penis sign ) because that is the first damn thing they reach for. Even oriented people grab and do a scrotum penis check to make sure we didn't cut the wrong damn thing off.  ( ironically women do not do this, grab for their genitals that is.) We did not have a lot of PPS moves (Positive Pussy Signs) women either don't care or realize men will fuck anything so they are not concerned LOL.

And men Scrotum upkeep would be nice, a little lotion, a little grooming, always a nice touch, It might also help prevent scrotum rot which is a good thing TRUST Me. Scrotoms are ugly on their best day, All wrinkly,with hair all over it, and hanging there like they are waiting for a ride or something.

In conclusion, Please for God's sake men CHECK YOUR NUTZ!! an extra lump, a pimple that is sore, redness etc head to MD ASAP.. You ain't seen freeballing until you have seen testes out of the scrotum laid out for the world. And I and thoroughly sick of seeing rotten balls, very very sick of seeing them.


Thank you for your attention and I hope you follow my advice.. In conclusion I leave you a song about the scrotum and Penis to remind you how much hey mean to you..

Oxygen I just can't quit you!!

Ok I was out killing time waiting for my daughter in a local mall and I came across this sight. It stopped me dead in my tracks. An Oxygen Bar??? Really?? I am a nurse and most of my patients are constantly ripping their nasal cannulas out so I was baffled as to why someone would want to use one recreationally? Then I thought again maybe this isn't a bad idea.. maybe patients would keep their oxygen on at work if we offered them a variety of flavors. I can hear it now. " Mr Jones would you like Watermelon, Kiwi, or Mango flavored oxygen to go with your heart attack?"  I also thought that if the oxygen was scented then it might counteract some of our more odiferous patients.. MMMM I love the smell of Mango and BO in the morning.. or evening.. YSMF ( your shift may vary) . 


Then I had another thought. This spot in the mall ain't free so they must charge for this service. I looked up their website and sure enough for $10 dollars you can suck all the oxygen you want for 10 min. $14 for 15 min. or $17 for 20  min. That seemed steep for something I could do at home with a $2 car air freshener and an AC vent. They also say they do parties with a picture that reminds me of a emphysema support group. I mean how much can you dance tethered to an oxygen tank?? And colored nose hoses to not make it any more festive... especially the snot green ones ...that just looks like you need antibiotics.  I really really don't get it, maybe it's my profession, maybe it's paying for something that is all around us, or maybe I'm just not cool enough to "get" it.


I kept thinking about this and went on another tangent. (SURPRISE!!) This is an oxygen BAR. What if you have an addictive personality and get addicted. My brain is sending me visuals of men holding signs up " Will work for oxygen" or people passing homeless people on the street saying " Don't give him that money he'll just go wasting it on oxygen"  Which then begs the question if you become addicted will there be support groups?? Oxygen Anonymous maybe?? " Hi my name is Steve and it has been 15 seconds since my last hit *inhales deeply* DAMMIT oxygen I just can't quit you!!"  Will there be a legal oxygen driving limit?? Will Troopers now have to do ABG's and  Breathalizers?  (ABG's to those non-medical folk are Arterial Blood Gasses that says how much oxygen is in your blood)  I can also hear that conversation too. " Excuse me sir do you know why I pulled you over?? Wait you look awfully pink you been hitting the oxygen too much today?  Is that a green tank in the back seat?? Out of the car!" . 


This could lead to teenagers stealing their grandmothers " medical oxygen" to take hits behind the house. Sure you start at only 2 liters but in a month your are on a 8-9 liter flow rate and climbing. ( I bet some of you now are wishing you had never clicked on this.. I WARNED YOU!!)  God forbid I got addicted my fellow nurses would be watching the monitors and  have to say " Tonya's patient's sats are dropping again.. TONYA QUIT BOGARTING THE OXYGEN GIVE IT BACK!". It would be horrible. 


Whew got that out.. and that is an example of the shit I have rolling around my head that just needs to come out. If you read it all eat a cookie you deserve it. Me?? I'm going to go stand next to this tree and get me some free uncut oxygen. 


If you want a laugh you can check out these people's website. Any medical peeps will really get a kick out of it!
http://bluecoraloxygenbar.com/

Hi.. This is me and the voices in my head!

Well everyone is blogging so I thought I might give it a try too. Plus I often have random thoughts that run around in my head that need a place to escape and my bestest friend can only take so much soooooo... VOILA!!.

First I feel the need to place a disclaimer: if the words, shit, damn, hell, fuck, vagina, vulva, penis, balls, scrotum, taint, offend you hit the back button on your browser now.  I am not saying these are going to be used regularly but I can say that I won't really be censoring myself... much.

If you are extreme right wing, extreme left wing, extreme religious wack-a-do, extreme vegan, racist, bigot, or a Velocaraptor please click the back button as well.. as I may offend you as well.. not making any promises.

If you have a good sense of humor, like to laugh, don't mind the occasional. (or frequent) vulgar remark, love horses, love life then by all means pull up a chair and sit down and join the fun.

I don't know if I'll be any good at this, or exactly what this is but I'm putting it out there anyways.  For anyone who dares to follow along and come inside my head may your deity of choice help you and keep you safe. Also no poking my frontal lobes.. that shit hurts.