The man with no Gaydar

Ok so this season of Dancing with the Stars is over ( congratulations JR!), and I am saddened because there were so many fun dances this season. I really hated that Carson Kressley got kicked off despite his total lack of coordination because he was so fun to watch. The one thing having Carson on the show taught me is that my best friend's husband has absolutely NO Gaydar whatsoever.   For those that don't know, Gaydar is that little feature that most people have in their heads that tunes them into the fact that the person they are seeing, speaking to etc might be gay. The force is strong in some... weaker in others.... but in my friend's husband's case.. nonexistent.

While watching an episode my friend casually mentioned to her husband that she was surprised that Carson was so uncoordinated for a gay man.  She said he looked at her in shock and said " He's gay?!?!?"  She was like " Welll Duh!! Just like the judge Bruno" .. To which he replied " HE'S gay TOO?".. awwww honey....

Now tell me..

If you can watch this video with two men who's flame exceeds bonfire proportions of gayness and not pick up on it.. your Gaydar not just on the fritz.. it was never installed at the factory.

Poor thing.. no wonder he is homophobic.. those gay men just sneak right up on him LOL..

See I was thinking that if he missed the cues Carson and Bruno give off.. he would really be lost in a normal social situation.. say by seeing this scene..

 Now lets see.. can anyone else spot the one that might be gay?? this is a test of your Gaydar system...

 If your Gaydar is functional this is the one that stood out to you...  Shall we evaluate the subtle cues here???

 And these are the ones you can just see in a static photo... If you had seen/heard him in action.. any thoughts would have been confirmed.
















As an unrelated side note.. because my ADD is acting up.. does the African American ( trying to be PC here) with his head cocked Look like Geordi LaForge from Star Trek The next Generation to anyone else??? He even has the uniform on.. LOL sorry I let my inner geek out a moment there..

 See..  You decide..












Anyhoo.. I am a big proponent of gay rights, and don't really understand homophobia at all. It's not like homosexuals are recruiting or anything.  They aren't going to come up to you and say.. " hey.. I know you may like vagina and stuff .. but it's only because you haven't tried dick yet. "They are most likely not going to approach you at all in that way or if they do  they would say  "Really you are straight?? Great!!"  I can assure you that they are not going to hump you in the mall and try to convert you.. promise, relax, only the Religious zealots do that ;-).

So Hopefully if he reads this he can start installing is Gaydar as an aftermarket part to help him feel safer by identifying people that may be homosexual so he can be prepared to properly flaunt his heterosexuality and scare them off.


And to be fair.. Gaydar may start weak but gets stronger in time.

I watched this video a ton when I was younger and NOT ONCE picked up that George Michael Might be gay.. REALLY!?! *facepalm*.. 

I'm baaaaaackkkkk...

Yeah bitches I am back.. so sorry to be gone.. A little thing like life can get in the way sometimes.LOL..

So I was thinking a bit about humor and my job and how most of us use it to survive/ cope with what we do, or use it to help our patients get better.

Nursing is a stressful profession, and I work in the ICU, which can really ramp up the stress, sometimes you either laugh or your cry.. I choose to laugh. It's called  gallows humor, and to an outsider seems highly inappropriate, but to those of us in the field it is a coping mechanism and stress reliever. I have participated in several codes ( or cardiac arrests) and inevitably at one point someone gets the giggles.. or something is said that gets misconstrued and leads to laughing.  No we are not laughing about the poor soul we are trying to save... and no we are not focusing less on the patient... we are coping with the stress of the situation establishing a bit of a disconnect because if you let every code/death get to you deeply you will not last in this profession.  We, as health care professionals, get it.. but we sometimes forget others don't.  Also conversations at the nurses stations can go from the innocent to the very risqué.. as from my observations, most of us have seen, or heard it all so nothing is truly taboo. LOL.. I work nights so it generally gets even worse because of fewer visitors.

The ability to laugh.. to find humor in the most stressful of situations I think is a wonderful way to dissipate the stress. I know I often try to use humor to help my co-workers if they are having a bad night.  Think about it.. if a pt has made you so frustrated you can't see straight.. you get away and have a good laugh.. you can go back in a bit more refreshed and better able to cope with the asshole.  I can tell a big difference at work when I work with  a crew that supports each other and encourages silliness and laughter vs one that doesn't .. guess who I prefer to work with LOL.

My private goal is to make at least one person laugh a day. If it is at me.. or at themselves or someone else.. I want to see them laugh. A good laugh can completely turn your day around, change your outlook, and give a small bright spot in a very bad day. The release of endorphins from fun and laughter and play does so many good things for your mood, better than any medication can.

I try this with my patients as well. I introduce myself with a smile and try to encourage fun banter.  This can be tricky for me as the filter on my mouth doesn't work so well but I manage most of the time LOL. In my experience the better the attitude the faster the healing. It is such a pleasure to take care of patients that are realistic and fun. And those that can find the humor seem to overall do better, and I know they get better care simply because they are a pleasure to be around and  and you don't mind going in and taking care of them.

On the other hand the grumpy Gus that wants to be surly and hate the world tends to not do as well, requires more pain medication, and can drive the nurses batty because they are too miserable to be around, heck sometimes they don't even want to be in their own skin. On the occasions that I have cracked that shell and developed a rapport with a patient like that the feeling is wonderful. Nursing is more than taking care of the body, it is taking care of the mind and soul too.

 We all go through periods of burn out, it's how we get ourselves out of it that dictates the kind of nurse we are.  I want to be known at " that funny one that took such good care of me".  I want to be the co-worker that people want to work with because it will make it a fun night.

My younger years were rough, and I managed to not show it on the outside but I paid the price on the inside. I want to spend the rest of my life laughing and enjoying myself.. and bringing others with me laughing. For the first time in my life I am happy with who I am as a person, my beliefs and values, and don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks of me.  Come on everyone .. laugh with me.. or AT me.. Hell I don't care LOL!!

SUUUUPER.....Crotch???

Ok so I am married to a total comic book geek. This means I get drug to every single movie based on some comic book character. I am a closet nerd myself so I don't usually mind (hot guys in tight fitting suits?? I am TOTALLY in!)  But after watching a few I am beginning to think some superheros are umm "compensating" a bit in the crotch department. Either that or they have finally invested in bullet proof cups. Don't believe me??

I give you SUPERCROTCH!! Is that Kryptonite in your pocket or are you happy to see me Superman??  Crotch of steel I presume???  Really an overdone bulge if I do say so myself.

Spidey here gets REALLY excited about fighting crime.. maybe a bit too excited?? I see some CGI enhancement in Spidey's future.

Seriously?? you have to outline them in silver. Hey look at my Bat-Junk?? Robin do your nipples really need their own bulge??? I wonder if they keep extra Bat-stuff in those codpieces???

Not a CHANCE mister.. not a chance!! Do those shoot out rockets?? Cause THAT would be impressive!!!

On to Captain Americ..? Aww Chris Evans are you shy?? I'm sure it's fine honey.. they will fix it in post production honest... Aww so cute when superheros have a complex LOL

Toddlers and Tiara's.. time to make over the moms!

If you have ever watched Toddlers and Tiaras you know the scenario, typically overweight mom transforms her cute bratty child into a small hooker to win a prize and a crown and bragging rights. Basically said mom may spend $4-5 thousand dollars to hopefully win $500 and a grand supreme title for their little strumpet. There are a few that the children obviously seem to love doing the pageants but most of them are obviously being forced to do this for their parents so they can live vicariously through their kids. Well congratulations parents I have consulted my good friend Ru Paul to give you your own makeover!!! Aren't you excited???
First off to see what we are going for here are some pics of what we are going for. Pics of seasoned pageant kids.

oh yeah she looks 6

gorgeous but doesn't look her age

and of course Eden. Cute but not THAT cute

 Ok. so here is an example of your average pageant mom. I think she needs a bit of sprucing up so she can participate in her first Mrs Dairy Queen pageant. To help with these makeovers I have consulted my good friend Ms. Ru Paul!!

  A little subtle makeup, a nice wig and Voila!! She is ready for competition. Wait.. what's that Ru?? Oh yes.. she needs a pageant dress how silly of me to forget. Lets see what we have for her shall we??









Taaa Daaaaa!!! She has her flipper in, is doing her pretty feet pose and hopefully will remember her cupcake hands. She is going for the full glitz package so you know she had to go all out!!! Now on to the next!!!

  Here is our honorary male competitor. He was DYING to compete in the  Lil Miss in the Closet competition. Ru what do we have for him??

  Oh you saucy minx!!! I like what you did here Ru. And look at him giving face. that cute wink will sure win the judges over. Someones beeen practicing!!! Now on to the clothes!!









He made the outfit HIMSELF!! isn't he CUTE!! Not sure if he can pull of a Grand Supreme title but he would be in the running for a mini supreme. He does need to work on his tanning skills though.. that's gonna hurt him at the national levels.

NEXT!!!

  Awww honey.. please those bangs. I had bangs like that when I was five and I let my grandma with Parkinson's disease cut my hair. The bowl bangs have got... to.. GO!!!

 Thank you Ru!! See even she looks shocked at how much better she looks with actual bangs.  The feather will distract the judges from the extra chin I promise!!














And now the outfit is complete!! Wait?? What have you got?? BITCH put the hotdog DOWN!! You cannot keep that in your weave!! No hotdog eating is NOT an acceptable form of talent!! Do you want to come away with only a princess title?? Or even worse Ms. Congeniality?? No one wants that title because it means you are ugly but nice!! Everyone wants to be the pretty bitch!. Now hand the hotdog over and quit growling at me!!!

 And Finally!!! 

 A makeover for the grand Poo-Bah bitch of all pageant moms . Mickie Wood!! The same woman who announced on national TV she wants her daughter to get famous so she can quit work and sponge of her 6 year old!! Quality parenting I tell you Q. U. A. L. I. T. Y.  So lets see what Ms. RU has for you!

 Oh honey.... you look..... greaaaat!! Really. It's not our fault the make up and hair people did rock paper scissors to see who got stuck with you but really.. you look fabulous!!















As a matter of fact I award you the ULTIMATE GRAND SUPREME BITCH title!! Here is you own tiara now go away and crawl back under the rock you came from!!! Thank you!!

random shit

Seriously I'll pay extra if you let the sighted guy fix 'em. I'll let the blind guy check me out. I'll TOTALLY be truthful about what the invoice says. "Umm yeah those were only $2.00.. honest"

Is she lookin' at me?? I think she is!!! Why the big googly moogley eye right on her Va Jay Jay?? I don't want that looking back at me???  Fashion scares me.

ENOUGH with the wee wee pad outfits already!! (for those who watch Project Runway). Seriously?? Who the FUCK thought this was great. I do not want to look like a pom-pom.. What this needs is the googley eyes off the dress above it!!  Hear that designers I'm giving you that one for free!!












I'm wearing this to my next AA meeting. Oh I'm not an alcoholic but going to those meetings makes me feel so much better about myself.

OMG the BIRDS THE BIRDS!! They have exposed my boobs and shit down my back. I killed the first round and made a skirt from their bloody corpses.  Yeah.. that's a look I would totally ROCK going to Target to buy laundry detergent.  I wonder which one is gentler on Hawks??? I'll have to check the labels

This one is AWESOME!! You are totally taking your bed with you. Get tired at the grocery store shopping for feather safe detergent. Take a nap on aisle 5! Hit that midday hump at work.. no problem, quick lay down under your desk. Oh sure you might get stares at first but people will eventually come around to your brilliance. I mean I could totally make this. I have a snuggie, I have super glue, and my hair looks like that anyway!! SUCK THAT  People of Wal- Mart!! I'm not redneck I am HIGH FASHION!! I demand a retraction!!!









More random shit later..

Vampire vs Werewolf... which to date??

Vamp... *slurp* sorry wiping the drool off.

ORRRR

Werewolf.. yummmy!!!
Seriously would you kick either one out of bed?? I wouldn't!

Crap I have a birthday coming up....

And no I'm not bitching because I'll be getting older, I'm bitching because my husband is the WORST... GIFTER... EVERRRRRR!!!... Seriously.. I'm sure he means well but he just sucks at it.  Ask him to get a card.. awesome.. he is good at cards, excellent even, but a present.. requiring thought, time to go out an purchase, and follow through.. notsomuch..

I mean I'm not hard to buy for. I don't have expensive taste. Not a huge fan of jewelry,  have several obvious hobbies, horses (DUUUHHH) , knitting, snarky tee shirts, reading ( I have a serious Barnes and Noble addiction) so I don't know why he finds it so hard.

Well I won't make you take my word for it let's do a review of some of the past gifts I've gotten shall we??

First there was the John Deere green John Deere clock that chimed with a different tractor sound every hour... EVERY FRICKIN HOUR PEOPLE!!! That thing had a horrible horrible accident that I blame on the dogs and that is the story I am sticking with.

Then there was the toilet.. yup the extra tall toilet for MY birthday. Oh yes a toilet. I made the mistake of complaining about our old toilet a few days before my birthday and evidently my husband thought "GIFT IDEA" and went out and bought and installed it. When my birthday came and went and no gift  I mentioned it casually to him and he said " Well you said you wanted a toilet" making the "VOILA" gesture. Really??? REALLY???  I should really take back those NFL football tickets I bought you for YOUR birthday. :-/.

Onward shall we?? There was the Christmas I got a $25 Blockbuster gift card and a ceramic coffee mug. WTF????  ( He got a WII that year.. and yes it was the first Christmas they came out and I WORKED for getting that motherfucker!)  That SAME Christmas his mother got a 36" flat screen HDTV.. Did I mention she doesn't have cable??? Or Dish??? only the antenna on the roof and about 4 channels. ( as a footnote his mother is a lovely person and not a monster in law. She even told him it was too much) I mean a gift card to Blockbuster??  That is what you give your work Secret Santa... not your wife! And he was soooooo pleased with himself. He was grinning so proud saying " I bet you didn't expect that did ya?"  he was right about that I suuuure didn't expect it... at.... all.

There was this year and I got these.

See the looks of WTF on my daughter and Sister in Law's faces.. oh and he special ordered these. He did get warmer.. it is a horse.. I'm just not 12.

I've also gotten a mop, a vacuum cleaner, a Blue Ray player  not because I wanted one mind you.. It was because he wanted to stream Netflix and so he got it for him. and he built this up sooo much as a huuuuge surprise and I was so excited because I thought he finally saw some of the circled items in the various horsey catalogs I had " accidentally" left laying all over the house. Nope.. something I never wanted, never asked for , that wasn't even on my radar for shit I want. And lest you think it is the cost The one thing I did want last Christmas was a $27 sweatshirt, and no I did not get it. He missed the 3 circled catalogs. *sigh*

He did get me horsey jammies I liked. (2 sizes too big and long sleeves, I get hot when I sleep so I never wear long sleeves to bed.. EVER)


I am hoping to let him off the hook this year. I am planning to go to a horse show and I am going to request that THAT be my Birthday gift. No muss no fuss.. He doesn't even have to shop. Keep your fingers crossed for me guys!!

random nutz

Ok.. I know fictional.. but necessary sometimes.. Plus I think my husband may have been planning ahead when he bought the super extra tall toilet for " me" .. :-/ I'm 5'2 on a good day I don't need an extra tall anything.. now I feel like I am 5 dangling my legs on the toilet. *sigh*

Werewolf vs Vampire part one.. which would I prefer to be???

First off I would like to say that  I have been reading Vamp/Paranormal fiction before it was cool. Second... Twilight doesn't count. If it sparkles it is a fairy.. NOT a vampire.. if it sparkles, is a virgin, and is a whiner it is a pussy gay fairy... (wait.. is that redundant???) again NOT I repeat NOT a vampire.

So as I have read many of these novels it makes me ponder the question.. given the choice which would I rather be? A Vamp.. or a Were???  Let's look at the pro's a con's shall we??

Ok Vamp first. Pro's
1. Would get to live a looong loong time... like long enough to piss on your enemies graves long... (assuming you still pee when you are dead)

2. You would evidently be awesomely gorgeous, have super speed and super strength, and mind control powers which would be AWE-SOME!!! ( I would use my powers for good only... well.... mostly ;-) )

3. I am already a night shift person so I would totally rule the night!!

4. Most Vamps are rich.. very very rich!. That would buy me the best coffin out there for sure!

Ok Cons.
1. Avoiding stupid pricks with Buffy fixations constantly trying to stake me. HELLLOO Angel was a good Vamp so put the pointy thing down Zander!!

2. All liquid diet?? Ummm not sure about that. Plus drinking only blood, I am going to have to carry a rapid AIDS and HEP C test with me. Ewwww....I don't wanna be the only yellow vampire out there. Plus it just seems a bit gross. And I have a sweet tooth too.. would I have to bite diabetics to get my sweet fix .. with their sugar level being higher and all???

3. While I like the night and all.. being dead and helpless during the day is creepy, ( not too different from my life now however oddly enough)

Ok seems even for vamps.. now on to Weres

Pro's
1. Totally get to be a different species, Were- tiger, panther, wolf, etc they come in all shapes sizes. You could give in to your primal instincts plus have heightened senses when in human form Awesome

2. Higher metabolism!! You can eat so much more!! No more dieting. Can I get a HELL YEAH!!!

3. Can be out day or night!! Round the clock awesomeness.

4. Being called someone's Bitch could be a statement of fact and not a derogatory term. 

Con's

1. Unplanned changes and ruined clothes. Would need to plan better, plus couldn't wear jewelry seriously rings on human hands will not fit on Werewolf paws.. TRUST me.

2. Pack politics.. trust me I read a lot of books, there is always bickering inside packs for rank in the pack etc. Not sure if I could be that much of a team player.

3. shedding.. yeah I said it... shedding.. I would NEVER get pet hair out of my clothes.. especially if it was coming from me LOL.

4. Come on would it ALWAYS have to be doggie style??? Just sayn' ..



All in all I think I would prefer to be a Were. It would be so cool to be dual natured I think. Plus drinking blood ... EWWWW... no thank you. I'll take the eat more never diet plan...

Next entry.. which would I rather DATE.??? Hmmmm....

Reality TV.. Junk food for the brain... Plus it makes me feel better about myself

So I am a reality TV junkie. I really love to get my fix every week. Not Survivor or Big Brother or any of those other Pussy shows.. I'm talking REAL reality.. like Toddlers and Tiara's, Hoarders, My Strange Addiction and the like. If I want competition I watch Project Runway, America's next Top Model and the creme de la creme of competitions hosted by the Queen herself Ru Paul's Drag Race.

Sometimes I wonder why I watch these things, then I realize it makes me feel sooo much better after watching. I watch Hoarders and I look around my cluttered house and think " This ain't so bad, the at least I don't have a layer of diapers of shit on the floor"  and if my husband says anything about the dirty dishes in the sink I can say " at least these are from this week... I think"

I have 2 daughters and if they start to complain that I am too hard on them I can pull up an episode of Toddlers and Tiara's and say " See.. At least I don't put fake dentures over your teeth and staple a dead poodle on your head. No I love you even though your ugly.. now go get me some ho ho's. "

And My Strange Addiction. Really?? This makes me feel so FUCKING normal!! It is aweeee-sommmme, transsexual who likes to be a baby?? Great!. Guy who thinks his robotic sex doll is his girfriend? Creepy but at least he's not reproducing. Lady that eats dryer sheets, rocks, pottery, etc.. seriously WTF?? Have you not tasted Oreos??  Who the hell picks up a dryer sheet and thinks.. well this looks yummy.. I'll just stick this in my bra for later??

Project Runway started tonight and I am so happy! Now I get to see bitchy judges tear apart some poor designers dream because they couldn't make a proper cocktail dress using only cupcake cups and plastic spoons.  Just kidding. The things these designers come up with in such a short amount of time is awesome! And sometimes I think the judges get it wrong.. ( Helllooooo Mondo soooo should have won last season!! ) But it is so much fun seeing the good and bad that comes from these folks.

And ANTM  oh my goodness, put 15 or so of the most vapid young adults in one house and you are going to get drama!! Plus usually I can pick the most awkward and quirky won will get waaaay further than I would have expected . ( Ann?? McKey?? really??? ) Plus Tyra gets crazier and crazier each season.. I think all the Smizing has done something to her brain. Also.. please please please lay off the jumpsuits Tyra. I am so over them for the last 2 damn seasons!!!

And the only thing that could be more catty than 15 young girls... 15 young or old Drag Queens!!! OMG this show should win an Emmy for AWESOMENESS!!! Vague sexual undertones, awesome judges, and the she males!! OMG they make me feel so homely!. They are made of fabulous!!

So if you haven't checked out any of these awesome shows WTF is wrong with you??? Tune in right away, it is cheaper than a psychiatrist and guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself,... unless you are a hoarder, have a strange addiction or are a pagent mom that is .

Tales from the Bedside Part 1.. Conversations I can't believe I've had to have

So for those of you that don't know, my day job is that of a nurse. I have worked ICU for the last 10 years. I really do love my job despite some problems I may have with the politics that surround it. I love that I seem to learn something new every shift, that every day is different, and the variety of people I meet. My job has also given me plenty of stories that often start with " You are NOT going to believe this shit!" .

People that know me often wonder if I have a filter that goes between my brain and my mouth ,and if I DO have that filter what they can do to unclog it. I would like to let those folks know that I do indeed have a filter but I have to use it so much at work in my off time I just take it off and let the thoughts fly.

I have also had to work on my poker face. There is some things that you see, hear , have to say etc that you CANNOT let your face betray your real thoughts.  To illustrate this point I came up with a few of the conversations I've had to have, things I have had to say and do in my tenure so far as a nurse.

The very first one  that pops to mind is the time I was taking care of a patient that was pronounced brain dead and was to become an organ donor. He was just about to go for his harvest when I got this phone call.

Me: Nurse Tonya Can I help you?
Family : Yeah I heard that my cousin's brother's brother in law (or something like that ) was pronounced brain dead.
Me; Yes  that is correct I am so sorry for your loss
Family: Well.. how long do you expect that to last?? .
 Me: umm... well forever madam, death is usually a permanent condition ( If my filter had NOT been in place I would have said what was running through my brain which was " Jesus came back in three days so mark it on your calender and call me  back and we'll see if you got lucky" . ) 
Family: Well ya mean after his surgery he  won't be un brain dead (Did I mention I live in the South?)
Me: Um.. no he won't be any better after they harvest his organs madam.
 Family: Why NOT?? (she's getting angry now)
Me. : Um because he won't have a heart, liver ,or kidney's in his body anymore??
Family: *hangs up*

I have actually had to say the words.. WITH A STRAIGHT FACE mind you .
" Ms. Smith this is Dr. Dufus he will be your anesthesiologist today and he will be going over the procedure" (and yes his name was pronounced just like it sounds)

I have also had to say. " I don't know about that I'll have to call Dr. Kevorkian and ask them" At the look of horror on my patient's face I had to back track and tell that that Dr Kevorkian was a she and no relation to the OTHER one. ( I would have changed my name if I was either one of these doctors)

I have had to write a note above a patient's bed that said " PLEASE DO NOT WRITE ON THE PATIENT!" This was after one of his drinking buddies had come by to visit him and after he left I went into the patient's room to find a smiley face written on his forehead", I love you" on the back of one hand and "from Jim" on the back of the other hand with dimples drawn on his face. I mean COME ON just because the guy is sedated on the ventilator in the ICU does not give you permission to treat him like a Doodle Bear!!.

I have participated in the cornering , and surrounding and apprehending of more that one naked patient brandishing a IV pole trying to make a break for it.

I have actually had to say " No I will not take his catheter out so you can give him a blow job!' " No I DON'T think that will bring him out of his coma!"

I have been in the room taking care of a patient on the ventilator ( their lungs) on all the cardiovascular drugs we can give them to give them a blood pressure, and running a dialysis machine ( for their kidneys) and have  a family member ask if I would say the patient was "technically" ( they used air quotes on me) on life support.  ( I wanted to say WTF?? Are you not seeing what the hell I am seeing?? Of COURSE they are on life support. !) But what  I said  out loud was " Yes they are on life support" . ( see filter firmly in place there)

I have had to keep a straight face when the 3 children of a dying patient that I had just discussed making her a DNR or no code due to her poor prognosis came up to me and asked " What is $1500 split 3 ways?" I answered "$500?" They conferred again briefly and then said " OK you can pull the plug now"

I have had to wheel a corpse to our temporary morgue freezer which was a freezer truck in our ER's parking lot. affectionately called the Corpsecicle truck.  So we had to wheel the bodies outside, onto the lift of the semi, at night (because I work nights) in a bad part of town, press the lift button, ride the lift to the bed of the truck and push the body inside. One night my stretcher almost.. allllmoooost flipped over with my rather heavy corpse on it. I was sooo not going to be able to pick up the body on the ground had it flipped over, nor could I imagine leaving it there while I ran inside to get help for the dead man in the parking lot. Guess I got lucky he stayed put.

The final one I'll share today is the time when a patient had died and I had to go out to waiting room with the doctor to explain that they had died despite our efforts to save them. The doctor explained that the patient had died from a lack of oxygen for a prolonged period of time. The patient's grandson yelled out " She couldn't have run out of oxygen we rolled down the windows in *town about 30  min from hospital* and we let her head hang out, so she got plenty of oxygen ( now I have the visual of dead grandma's head hanging out of the window of a car doing ninety.) 


I'm sure I' ll think of  more later, and most likely there will be more entries in Tales from the Bedside. But for now I'm going to bed.

Men.. Please please Please PLEASE check your NUTZ.

 I know this PSA is for Testicular Cancer and most men know this is a reason to check their nuts. I would like to share another reason to check a horrible problem called Fournier gangrene or in lamens terms Gangrene of the Scrotum.. or rotten crotch. I have had to take care of  3 count them THREE cases of it this year so far and it is not pretty at all. And quite frankly I am sick of seeing rotten nuts so I am going to tell all men to please please please keep a closer eye on the family jewels. If you need to be scared straight for a reason check this out. http://www.scielo.br/img/revistas/ibju/v33n4/n4a08fig02.jpg, (do not click unless you have a strong stomach.. VERY graphic.  ) This is about average of what I have seen post op... One man's was so bad he lost his penis.

What completely baffles me is how men let this go?? I mean men are very attached to their junk,, they measure penis size, scratch their scrotum, squeeze it and thrust in dancing moves just like Michael Jackson, Hold on to them when sitting on the couch like their own worry stone so I cannot understand how your nuts can look like THIS .and you just let it go??  Again VERY graphic link involving penis.

It's not like you guys don't touch it a million times a day, so bend over and take a gander for yourself, if you have a belly and can't see your junk ( And I have seen some that can't ) go to a doctor and have him look, or hire a hooker to check I don't care just check that shit out!!!

I know you guys are attached to the balls, I took care of severe head injuries for a while, 99% of the men coming out of a coma developed the PPS (Positive Penis sign ) because that is the first damn thing they reach for. Even oriented people grab and do a scrotum penis check to make sure we didn't cut the wrong damn thing off.  ( ironically women do not do this, grab for their genitals that is.) We did not have a lot of PPS moves (Positive Pussy Signs) women either don't care or realize men will fuck anything so they are not concerned LOL.

And men Scrotum upkeep would be nice, a little lotion, a little grooming, always a nice touch, It might also help prevent scrotum rot which is a good thing TRUST Me. Scrotoms are ugly on their best day, All wrinkly,with hair all over it, and hanging there like they are waiting for a ride or something.

In conclusion, Please for God's sake men CHECK YOUR NUTZ!! an extra lump, a pimple that is sore, redness etc head to MD ASAP.. You ain't seen freeballing until you have seen testes out of the scrotum laid out for the world. And I and thoroughly sick of seeing rotten balls, very very sick of seeing them.


Thank you for your attention and I hope you follow my advice.. In conclusion I leave you a song about the scrotum and Penis to remind you how much hey mean to you..

Oxygen I just can't quit you!!

Ok I was out killing time waiting for my daughter in a local mall and I came across this sight. It stopped me dead in my tracks. An Oxygen Bar??? Really?? I am a nurse and most of my patients are constantly ripping their nasal cannulas out so I was baffled as to why someone would want to use one recreationally? Then I thought again maybe this isn't a bad idea.. maybe patients would keep their oxygen on at work if we offered them a variety of flavors. I can hear it now. " Mr Jones would you like Watermelon, Kiwi, or Mango flavored oxygen to go with your heart attack?"  I also thought that if the oxygen was scented then it might counteract some of our more odiferous patients.. MMMM I love the smell of Mango and BO in the morning.. or evening.. YSMF ( your shift may vary) . 


Then I had another thought. This spot in the mall ain't free so they must charge for this service. I looked up their website and sure enough for $10 dollars you can suck all the oxygen you want for 10 min. $14 for 15 min. or $17 for 20  min. That seemed steep for something I could do at home with a $2 car air freshener and an AC vent. They also say they do parties with a picture that reminds me of a emphysema support group. I mean how much can you dance tethered to an oxygen tank?? And colored nose hoses to not make it any more festive... especially the snot green ones ...that just looks like you need antibiotics.  I really really don't get it, maybe it's my profession, maybe it's paying for something that is all around us, or maybe I'm just not cool enough to "get" it.


I kept thinking about this and went on another tangent. (SURPRISE!!) This is an oxygen BAR. What if you have an addictive personality and get addicted. My brain is sending me visuals of men holding signs up " Will work for oxygen" or people passing homeless people on the street saying " Don't give him that money he'll just go wasting it on oxygen"  Which then begs the question if you become addicted will there be support groups?? Oxygen Anonymous maybe?? " Hi my name is Steve and it has been 15 seconds since my last hit *inhales deeply* DAMMIT oxygen I just can't quit you!!"  Will there be a legal oxygen driving limit?? Will Troopers now have to do ABG's and  Breathalizers?  (ABG's to those non-medical folk are Arterial Blood Gasses that says how much oxygen is in your blood)  I can also hear that conversation too. " Excuse me sir do you know why I pulled you over?? Wait you look awfully pink you been hitting the oxygen too much today?  Is that a green tank in the back seat?? Out of the car!" . 


This could lead to teenagers stealing their grandmothers " medical oxygen" to take hits behind the house. Sure you start at only 2 liters but in a month your are on a 8-9 liter flow rate and climbing. ( I bet some of you now are wishing you had never clicked on this.. I WARNED YOU!!)  God forbid I got addicted my fellow nurses would be watching the monitors and  have to say " Tonya's patient's sats are dropping again.. TONYA QUIT BOGARTING THE OXYGEN GIVE IT BACK!". It would be horrible. 


Whew got that out.. and that is an example of the shit I have rolling around my head that just needs to come out. If you read it all eat a cookie you deserve it. Me?? I'm going to go stand next to this tree and get me some free uncut oxygen. 


If you want a laugh you can check out these people's website. Any medical peeps will really get a kick out of it!
http://bluecoraloxygenbar.com/

Hi.. This is me and the voices in my head!

Well everyone is blogging so I thought I might give it a try too. Plus I often have random thoughts that run around in my head that need a place to escape and my bestest friend can only take so much soooooo... VOILA!!.

First I feel the need to place a disclaimer: if the words, shit, damn, hell, fuck, vagina, vulva, penis, balls, scrotum, taint, offend you hit the back button on your browser now.  I am not saying these are going to be used regularly but I can say that I won't really be censoring myself... much.

If you are extreme right wing, extreme left wing, extreme religious wack-a-do, extreme vegan, racist, bigot, or a Velocaraptor please click the back button as well.. as I may offend you as well.. not making any promises.

If you have a good sense of humor, like to laugh, don't mind the occasional. (or frequent) vulgar remark, love horses, love life then by all means pull up a chair and sit down and join the fun.

I don't know if I'll be any good at this, or exactly what this is but I'm putting it out there anyways.  For anyone who dares to follow along and come inside my head may your deity of choice help you and keep you safe. Also no poking my frontal lobes.. that shit hurts.