New beginnings.

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn) There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)And a time to every purpose, under Heaven..  ahh the Byrds said it best. 



Divorce is never easy but it doesn't have to be miserable either. Sometimes people just drift apart as in my case. Starting over is scary, exciting, and nerve wracking but I am so looking forward to that fresh start.  People make divorce hard, it doesn't have to be if people can remember that they did, at one time, care for that person and continue to treat them with that same care and respect.  My parents divorce was the stuff of legends. I swear the movie War of the Roses was based on their story that movie hit that close to home for me. I made a vow to never let that be me. People get caught up in stuff, and lashing out to hurt and doing things for spite. I have never understood that because A. it's just stuff, it can all be replaced and B. all it does is hurt everyone, yourself, the spouse, the kids, the only one that really wins is the lawyers collecting their fees.  My soon to be ex and I are handling this like adults and hopefully it will be a calm parting and a happy new beginning for the both of us.  I know I am looking forward to my new beginning. 

The mind of a horse..

Ok my equestrian friends... it is spring and those of us that have had the luxury of riding indoors all winter are now peeking our heads outside at the strange orb in the sky and heading toward the outdoor ring.  At my barn the owners have been busy this winter revamping a few jumps.  One of the horses I ride takes great pride in his ability to spook at the silliest things so last week as we walked to the outdoor ring I figured... nice spring day.. new jumps.. fresh horse.. yup.. I'm in for an interesting ride... well I was and I wasn't.. I'll let you guess... Which new jump did the horse not only spook at... but flat refuse to jump

Jump A.. brand new jump.. new flowers.. on " scary" side of the ring

  Jump B. Riveria..  this jump has  been there before but is in a new location and  now has added "scary" greenery...

Jump C. Wishing well... older jump new location... and greenery

Jump D.. covered solid coup.. brand new jump.

Jump E Gray wishing well.. old jump but new location..

Jump F.. plain old painted gate.. used to be white ... now green..



















If you picked F you would be correct.. None of the other ones got even so much as a sideways glance... but this.. set at this height he flat refused to jump.. and this horse never refuses and is an old A show hunter so he's seen everything. So what was so damn scary??? Trainer looked around sideways and everywhere and couldn't find anything scary. I finally figured it out the second time we attempted it.. He literally saw his own shadow as he raised to jump it and scared himself...* rolling eyes now*... and that damn shadow showed up every.... damn.. time LOL. He eventually stopped refusing and would jump it..hesitantly and crooked with his nose between his knees staring his shadow down as he went over.





Horses.. scared of only 2 things.. things that move.. and things that don't...

I see naked people....

....every day at work.  Guaranteed. And trust me it is NEVER the "good" kind of naked. I was thinking about that this morning on my drive home. I have seen more peni ( my personal plural form of penis) in my tenure as a nurse than your average hooker. I work Critical Care which  means we practice primary nursing. The nurses do everything, baths, clean up, meds the whole package on patients that, for the most part, cannot do a thing for themselves. Every day I head into work it is with 100% certainty that I will come face to face with several peni, and vaginas during my shift.  What other job, other than porn, has that certainty??? None that I can think of off the top of my head.  I mean an accountant doesn't have to worry that on " no pants Friday" he's going to have to look at the guy in the next cubicle's schlong all day. Yet at least several times a night I find my self saying " Mr . Jones.. put that away.. no one wants to see that!" or " Miss Smith put your clothes back on, how does your gown keep ending up in the floor??"

When I was but a 1st semester nursing student it was the " naked" thing that worried me the most. Not the shots, not the blood, not the gore, it was having to touch old  man penis that creeped me out the most. It did not help when on my very first clinical day in the nursing home I was assigned my first patient to do a bed bath on, and it was a man. DAMN. In my head I was praying " please let it be a she.. please let it be a she.. please please please.. " but no... I get a man.. and not just any old man.. a dirty old pervert. This little man stalked me in his wheelchair for the first 2 hours of clinicals with a gleam in his eye asking the same damn question. " is it time for my bath yet??" " how bout now??" " is it time now??" Every time I turned around the was there looking at me hopeful and expectant. All I could think of was " Oh my GOD. I have to see him naked.. no no nonononononononono." When I had delayed no longer I told him it was time and he was off like a shot  .. squee squee squeee was the sound his wheelchair made as he booked it back to his room faster than I could keep up.  Dejected and a bit nauseated I followed the excited little man feeling like I was heading for a death sentence. Let me tell you I'm pretty sure I blacked out a little or at least did half the bath with my eyes closed and was picking up parts with my thumb and index finger much like you would when handling something particularly nasty.  I now laugh and think of how I would have handled that little man now vs the way I did then.

Fast forward a few years and  really nothing can shock me too much, and naked doesn't bother me at all. Heck the first thing we do to most ICU patients when they arrive is strip them down to their birthday suits. Trust me some of those are presents that NO ONE wants to open ;-)  And men are men most of them are VERY proud of their equipment weather they ought to be or not. And I wanted to curse the SOB that came up with the penile implants because for a while there the men that had them all wanted to show me how well they worked.. which often lead to phrases like this having to be uttered. " That's nice Mr. Jones.. yes I see.. now deflate your penis and take your pills. No I don't need to see how you pump it up again.. the first 3 times were enough. "  Or  " Mr Smith... yes it's impressive how you can bend it like a pipe cleaner and it stays now put it away so I can give you your lunch"  etc etc etc. Even comatose patients when waking up with have a " positive penis sign" because even if they are unaware of anything else, and no matter how you have them tied down for their safety it is the first damn thing they try to reach for.. just to make sure it's still there I guess. Women do not reach and do a vagina check... or a boob check... never seen it happen, but for men.. straight to find their best friend.

And being in nursing we have all had our share of lewd obnoxious patients. Usually someone in DT's that is confused, and just really wants to show you their stuff, no matter how creative you try to be to keep it hidden. I remember one gentleman that kept exposing himself to me every single time I walked in the room usually accompanied by such original comments as " you like what you see baby?" " wanna join me??" and the ever so original and popular " are you the HEAD nurse? "  When I had finally had enough and walked in staring right at Mr. Happy again, I stepped out of the room and brought 2 other nurses back with me. I conferred with them and said.. " I think this one wins for the smallest one yet don't you??" to which the other one replied " Yup definitely, I can barely see it from here what do you think ( as she looks at nurse 3) ?" Don't cha know he didn't flash me again the rest of the night ;-).

So if you are ever having a bad day at work, and think your job sucks look around. Does everyone have their clothes on?? If so... remember it could be worse, you could be that nurse having to corner the psychotic naked man that escaped from his room and was making a break for it down the hall. Or having to do rock paper scissors on who has to venture there to place a catheter on a patient who's personal hygiene is not at the top of their priority list. Feel better now?? You should.  But this is another reason I love my job, it's never boring, never the same day twice and I look forward to the next thing that happens that makes me go WTF???

Auto Erotic??

Ok Those that know me know I have a teensy weeny trash TV addiction..  But I figure since My Strange Addiction comes on The Learning Channel it should count as educational TV right??  There have been some kooky people on the show, the lady that eats cat food, the lady that eats dryer sheets, there was one that ate rocks, sniffing baby power, the adult baby, etc etc.. but this guy.. THIS guy takes the cake for me. His addiction?? He is in a committed relationship with his CAR. There are so many things that have me scratching my head. First of them is that he named the car Chase, so that makes the car male. So is he Homoautoerotic?? He also says he is intimate with the car. Yes yes the tailpipe seems like the most OBVIOUS choice for coitus with a car, but our fellow here says he prefers for the car to be on top.  Oooo kaaaayyy. He also takes his car on dates, their favorite location is lookout point of course. He feels the car also reciprocates his love and affection and sees them as a "couple" . He even came out of the garage ( so to speak ;-) ) and told his dad about his relationship with Chase. I have to give kudos' to his dad, he took it waaaay better that most dads would to find out that his son is in sexual relationship with a car named Chase on national television. The clips of him kissing and fondling was just so very disturbing and uncomfortable to watch. He said he had had relationships with women before but they did not fulfill him like Chase does. I wonder if it is just the fact that another person has a voice box and a brain and can voice an opinion, vs ruin the fantasy and dialogue he has in his head for what the person. or in his case thing, should be thinking. Or maybe it's because the girls don't have a tailpipe??  I looked it up.. and this condition is called Object sexuality and defined as follows :   a pronounced emotional and often romantic desire towards developing significant relationships with particular inanimate objects. Those individuals with this expressed preference may feel strong feelings of attraction, love, and commitment to certain items or structures of their fixation. For some, sexual or even close emotional relationships with humans are incomprehensible. Object-sexual individuals also often believe in animism, and sense reciprocation based on the belief that objects have souls, intelligence, feelings, and are able to communicate.[2] Contrary to sexual fetishism, the object to an OS person is viewed as their partner and not as a means to an end to enhance a human sexual relationship. One thing I know for sure is that next time I hear someone say that they LOVE their car I will wonder if they are IN LOVE with their car. LOL. And I will probably have horrible flashbacks from watching this episode of this show. *shudder*

The art of self defense.. Learn to kick ass ladies!!!

A couple of weeks ago I was minding my own business going into a local grocery store near my work in a not so good part of town. It was early in the morning, dark, with an empty parking lot.  Sure enough there was some crackhead fucktard that thought I looked like easy prey I guess. I'm 5'2 126 ish pounds depending on my indulgence of my donut addiction that week so I would look like an easy target.

Anyway what the crackhead didn't know was that I am also a purple belt in Tae Kwan Do.  So after yelling a few lewd comments, I heard him coming closer. I didn't run, that just makes them run too, but I did prepare for if he did anything. Sure enough he did grab my shoulder trying to pull me back. He got an elbow to the nose, a hard kick to the nuts and a stop on his solar plexus.. which left me standing and him on the pavement not getting up. I turned around an headed back to my car.. more pissed that I was going to be late to the barn than scared.  But reported it to the police later.

This makes me want to tell women. PLEASE learn how to defend yourself. Take a self defense class, a martial art, something. Martial arts are an excellent workout, works every muscle and you have so much fun doing it.

If you don't learn any self defense then learn at least to make yourself less of a target.  If I am running in/out of a store in the dark I do NOT carry my purse.. my keys are on me and my debit card in my pocket. No rummaging for keys, and nothing for someone to look for to grab.

Being aware of your surroundings is key. In the age of MP3 players and texting on phones ( guilty on both here LOL) we tend to not be as aware of those around us. Look around take stock and keep an idea of what is going on in your environment.

Another is to have your keys ready as you walk to your car, so you can get in, and lock the door behind you without having to stand there rummaging for them making you a distracted target. I am fortunate that my car has a keyless entry so it unlocks for me on the driver's side only when I approach the car which is wonderful.

Don't run.. if you hear someone approaching you. Plan for what you could do if something happens.. If your keys are in your hand they can be a weapon, think of how you could attack back first hard enough to incapacitate them to get away. Kick them in the groin. Use the keys to poke/scratch them hard enough to let go if they grab you. Plan so that you are prepared.

Women don't need to be victims. Fight back Here is an awesome link to some dirty fighting techniques that are easy to execute for women to keep in mind. http://www.selfdefense-4-women.com/dirty-fighting.html Awesome ideas.. and heck practice them with your husband, kids, best friend,  bitchy co-worker on a bad day.. ex boyfriend etc.;-).. just so you are used to doing them that could really save your life one day!!

Women be strong and KICK ASS!!

The man with no Gaydar

Ok so this season of Dancing with the Stars is over ( congratulations JR!), and I am saddened because there were so many fun dances this season. I really hated that Carson Kressley got kicked off despite his total lack of coordination because he was so fun to watch. The one thing having Carson on the show taught me is that my best friend's husband has absolutely NO Gaydar whatsoever.   For those that don't know, Gaydar is that little feature that most people have in their heads that tunes them into the fact that the person they are seeing, speaking to etc might be gay. The force is strong in some... weaker in others.... but in my friend's husband's case.. nonexistent.

While watching an episode my friend casually mentioned to her husband that she was surprised that Carson was so uncoordinated for a gay man.  She said he looked at her in shock and said " He's gay?!?!?"  She was like " Welll Duh!! Just like the judge Bruno" .. To which he replied " HE'S gay TOO?".. awwww honey....

Now tell me..

If you can watch this video with two men who's flame exceeds bonfire proportions of gayness and not pick up on it.. your Gaydar not just on the fritz.. it was never installed at the factory.

Poor thing.. no wonder he is homophobic.. those gay men just sneak right up on him LOL..

See I was thinking that if he missed the cues Carson and Bruno give off.. he would really be lost in a normal social situation.. say by seeing this scene..

 Now lets see.. can anyone else spot the one that might be gay?? this is a test of your Gaydar system...

 If your Gaydar is functional this is the one that stood out to you...  Shall we evaluate the subtle cues here???

 And these are the ones you can just see in a static photo... If you had seen/heard him in action.. any thoughts would have been confirmed.
















As an unrelated side note.. because my ADD is acting up.. does the African American ( trying to be PC here) with his head cocked Look like Geordi LaForge from Star Trek The next Generation to anyone else??? He even has the uniform on.. LOL sorry I let my inner geek out a moment there..

 See..  You decide..












Anyhoo.. I am a big proponent of gay rights, and don't really understand homophobia at all. It's not like homosexuals are recruiting or anything.  They aren't going to come up to you and say.. " hey.. I know you may like vagina and stuff .. but it's only because you haven't tried dick yet. "They are most likely not going to approach you at all in that way or if they do  they would say  "Really you are straight?? Great!!"  I can assure you that they are not going to hump you in the mall and try to convert you.. promise, relax, only the Religious zealots do that ;-).

So Hopefully if he reads this he can start installing is Gaydar as an aftermarket part to help him feel safer by identifying people that may be homosexual so he can be prepared to properly flaunt his heterosexuality and scare them off.


And to be fair.. Gaydar may start weak but gets stronger in time.

I watched this video a ton when I was younger and NOT ONCE picked up that George Michael Might be gay.. REALLY!?! *facepalm*.. 

I'm baaaaaackkkkk...

Yeah bitches I am back.. so sorry to be gone.. A little thing like life can get in the way sometimes.LOL..

So I was thinking a bit about humor and my job and how most of us use it to survive/ cope with what we do, or use it to help our patients get better.

Nursing is a stressful profession, and I work in the ICU, which can really ramp up the stress, sometimes you either laugh or your cry.. I choose to laugh. It's called  gallows humor, and to an outsider seems highly inappropriate, but to those of us in the field it is a coping mechanism and stress reliever. I have participated in several codes ( or cardiac arrests) and inevitably at one point someone gets the giggles.. or something is said that gets misconstrued and leads to laughing.  No we are not laughing about the poor soul we are trying to save... and no we are not focusing less on the patient... we are coping with the stress of the situation establishing a bit of a disconnect because if you let every code/death get to you deeply you will not last in this profession.  We, as health care professionals, get it.. but we sometimes forget others don't.  Also conversations at the nurses stations can go from the innocent to the very risqué.. as from my observations, most of us have seen, or heard it all so nothing is truly taboo. LOL.. I work nights so it generally gets even worse because of fewer visitors.

The ability to laugh.. to find humor in the most stressful of situations I think is a wonderful way to dissipate the stress. I know I often try to use humor to help my co-workers if they are having a bad night.  Think about it.. if a pt has made you so frustrated you can't see straight.. you get away and have a good laugh.. you can go back in a bit more refreshed and better able to cope with the asshole.  I can tell a big difference at work when I work with  a crew that supports each other and encourages silliness and laughter vs one that doesn't .. guess who I prefer to work with LOL.

My private goal is to make at least one person laugh a day. If it is at me.. or at themselves or someone else.. I want to see them laugh. A good laugh can completely turn your day around, change your outlook, and give a small bright spot in a very bad day. The release of endorphins from fun and laughter and play does so many good things for your mood, better than any medication can.

I try this with my patients as well. I introduce myself with a smile and try to encourage fun banter.  This can be tricky for me as the filter on my mouth doesn't work so well but I manage most of the time LOL. In my experience the better the attitude the faster the healing. It is such a pleasure to take care of patients that are realistic and fun. And those that can find the humor seem to overall do better, and I know they get better care simply because they are a pleasure to be around and  and you don't mind going in and taking care of them.

On the other hand the grumpy Gus that wants to be surly and hate the world tends to not do as well, requires more pain medication, and can drive the nurses batty because they are too miserable to be around, heck sometimes they don't even want to be in their own skin. On the occasions that I have cracked that shell and developed a rapport with a patient like that the feeling is wonderful. Nursing is more than taking care of the body, it is taking care of the mind and soul too.

 We all go through periods of burn out, it's how we get ourselves out of it that dictates the kind of nurse we are.  I want to be known at " that funny one that took such good care of me".  I want to be the co-worker that people want to work with because it will make it a fun night.

My younger years were rough, and I managed to not show it on the outside but I paid the price on the inside. I want to spend the rest of my life laughing and enjoying myself.. and bringing others with me laughing. For the first time in my life I am happy with who I am as a person, my beliefs and values, and don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks of me.  Come on everyone .. laugh with me.. or AT me.. Hell I don't care LOL!!