Toddlers and Tiara's.. time to make over the moms!

If you have ever watched Toddlers and Tiaras you know the scenario, typically overweight mom transforms her cute bratty child into a small hooker to win a prize and a crown and bragging rights. Basically said mom may spend $4-5 thousand dollars to hopefully win $500 and a grand supreme title for their little strumpet. There are a few that the children obviously seem to love doing the pageants but most of them are obviously being forced to do this for their parents so they can live vicariously through their kids. Well congratulations parents I have consulted my good friend Ru Paul to give you your own makeover!!! Aren't you excited???
First off to see what we are going for here are some pics of what we are going for. Pics of seasoned pageant kids.

oh yeah she looks 6

gorgeous but doesn't look her age

and of course Eden. Cute but not THAT cute

 Ok. so here is an example of your average pageant mom. I think she needs a bit of sprucing up so she can participate in her first Mrs Dairy Queen pageant. To help with these makeovers I have consulted my good friend Ms. Ru Paul!!

  A little subtle makeup, a nice wig and Voila!! She is ready for competition. Wait.. what's that Ru?? Oh yes.. she needs a pageant dress how silly of me to forget. Lets see what we have for her shall we??









Taaa Daaaaa!!! She has her flipper in, is doing her pretty feet pose and hopefully will remember her cupcake hands. She is going for the full glitz package so you know she had to go all out!!! Now on to the next!!!

  Here is our honorary male competitor. He was DYING to compete in the  Lil Miss in the Closet competition. Ru what do we have for him??

  Oh you saucy minx!!! I like what you did here Ru. And look at him giving face. that cute wink will sure win the judges over. Someones beeen practicing!!! Now on to the clothes!!









He made the outfit HIMSELF!! isn't he CUTE!! Not sure if he can pull of a Grand Supreme title but he would be in the running for a mini supreme. He does need to work on his tanning skills though.. that's gonna hurt him at the national levels.

NEXT!!!

  Awww honey.. please those bangs. I had bangs like that when I was five and I let my grandma with Parkinson's disease cut my hair. The bowl bangs have got... to.. GO!!!

 Thank you Ru!! See even she looks shocked at how much better she looks with actual bangs.  The feather will distract the judges from the extra chin I promise!!














And now the outfit is complete!! Wait?? What have you got?? BITCH put the hotdog DOWN!! You cannot keep that in your weave!! No hotdog eating is NOT an acceptable form of talent!! Do you want to come away with only a princess title?? Or even worse Ms. Congeniality?? No one wants that title because it means you are ugly but nice!! Everyone wants to be the pretty bitch!. Now hand the hotdog over and quit growling at me!!!

 And Finally!!! 

 A makeover for the grand Poo-Bah bitch of all pageant moms . Mickie Wood!! The same woman who announced on national TV she wants her daughter to get famous so she can quit work and sponge of her 6 year old!! Quality parenting I tell you Q. U. A. L. I. T. Y.  So lets see what Ms. RU has for you!

 Oh honey.... you look..... greaaaat!! Really. It's not our fault the make up and hair people did rock paper scissors to see who got stuck with you but really.. you look fabulous!!















As a matter of fact I award you the ULTIMATE GRAND SUPREME BITCH title!! Here is you own tiara now go away and crawl back under the rock you came from!!! Thank you!!

random shit

Seriously I'll pay extra if you let the sighted guy fix 'em. I'll let the blind guy check me out. I'll TOTALLY be truthful about what the invoice says. "Umm yeah those were only $2.00.. honest"

Is she lookin' at me?? I think she is!!! Why the big googly moogley eye right on her Va Jay Jay?? I don't want that looking back at me???  Fashion scares me.

ENOUGH with the wee wee pad outfits already!! (for those who watch Project Runway). Seriously?? Who the FUCK thought this was great. I do not want to look like a pom-pom.. What this needs is the googley eyes off the dress above it!!  Hear that designers I'm giving you that one for free!!












I'm wearing this to my next AA meeting. Oh I'm not an alcoholic but going to those meetings makes me feel so much better about myself.

OMG the BIRDS THE BIRDS!! They have exposed my boobs and shit down my back. I killed the first round and made a skirt from their bloody corpses.  Yeah.. that's a look I would totally ROCK going to Target to buy laundry detergent.  I wonder which one is gentler on Hawks??? I'll have to check the labels

This one is AWESOME!! You are totally taking your bed with you. Get tired at the grocery store shopping for feather safe detergent. Take a nap on aisle 5! Hit that midday hump at work.. no problem, quick lay down under your desk. Oh sure you might get stares at first but people will eventually come around to your brilliance. I mean I could totally make this. I have a snuggie, I have super glue, and my hair looks like that anyway!! SUCK THAT  People of Wal- Mart!! I'm not redneck I am HIGH FASHION!! I demand a retraction!!!









More random shit later..

Vampire vs Werewolf... which to date??

Vamp... *slurp* sorry wiping the drool off.

ORRRR

Werewolf.. yummmy!!!
Seriously would you kick either one out of bed?? I wouldn't!

Crap I have a birthday coming up....

And no I'm not bitching because I'll be getting older, I'm bitching because my husband is the WORST... GIFTER... EVERRRRRR!!!... Seriously.. I'm sure he means well but he just sucks at it.  Ask him to get a card.. awesome.. he is good at cards, excellent even, but a present.. requiring thought, time to go out an purchase, and follow through.. notsomuch..

I mean I'm not hard to buy for. I don't have expensive taste. Not a huge fan of jewelry,  have several obvious hobbies, horses (DUUUHHH) , knitting, snarky tee shirts, reading ( I have a serious Barnes and Noble addiction) so I don't know why he finds it so hard.

Well I won't make you take my word for it let's do a review of some of the past gifts I've gotten shall we??

First there was the John Deere green John Deere clock that chimed with a different tractor sound every hour... EVERY FRICKIN HOUR PEOPLE!!! That thing had a horrible horrible accident that I blame on the dogs and that is the story I am sticking with.

Then there was the toilet.. yup the extra tall toilet for MY birthday. Oh yes a toilet. I made the mistake of complaining about our old toilet a few days before my birthday and evidently my husband thought "GIFT IDEA" and went out and bought and installed it. When my birthday came and went and no gift  I mentioned it casually to him and he said " Well you said you wanted a toilet" making the "VOILA" gesture. Really??? REALLY???  I should really take back those NFL football tickets I bought you for YOUR birthday. :-/.

Onward shall we?? There was the Christmas I got a $25 Blockbuster gift card and a ceramic coffee mug. WTF????  ( He got a WII that year.. and yes it was the first Christmas they came out and I WORKED for getting that motherfucker!)  That SAME Christmas his mother got a 36" flat screen HDTV.. Did I mention she doesn't have cable??? Or Dish??? only the antenna on the roof and about 4 channels. ( as a footnote his mother is a lovely person and not a monster in law. She even told him it was too much) I mean a gift card to Blockbuster??  That is what you give your work Secret Santa... not your wife! And he was soooooo pleased with himself. He was grinning so proud saying " I bet you didn't expect that did ya?"  he was right about that I suuuure didn't expect it... at.... all.

There was this year and I got these.

See the looks of WTF on my daughter and Sister in Law's faces.. oh and he special ordered these. He did get warmer.. it is a horse.. I'm just not 12.

I've also gotten a mop, a vacuum cleaner, a Blue Ray player  not because I wanted one mind you.. It was because he wanted to stream Netflix and so he got it for him. and he built this up sooo much as a huuuuge surprise and I was so excited because I thought he finally saw some of the circled items in the various horsey catalogs I had " accidentally" left laying all over the house. Nope.. something I never wanted, never asked for , that wasn't even on my radar for shit I want. And lest you think it is the cost The one thing I did want last Christmas was a $27 sweatshirt, and no I did not get it. He missed the 3 circled catalogs. *sigh*

He did get me horsey jammies I liked. (2 sizes too big and long sleeves, I get hot when I sleep so I never wear long sleeves to bed.. EVER)


I am hoping to let him off the hook this year. I am planning to go to a horse show and I am going to request that THAT be my Birthday gift. No muss no fuss.. He doesn't even have to shop. Keep your fingers crossed for me guys!!