Tales from the Bedside Part 1.. Conversations I can't believe I've had to have

So for those of you that don't know, my day job is that of a nurse. I have worked ICU for the last 10 years. I really do love my job despite some problems I may have with the politics that surround it. I love that I seem to learn something new every shift, that every day is different, and the variety of people I meet. My job has also given me plenty of stories that often start with " You are NOT going to believe this shit!" .

People that know me often wonder if I have a filter that goes between my brain and my mouth ,and if I DO have that filter what they can do to unclog it. I would like to let those folks know that I do indeed have a filter but I have to use it so much at work in my off time I just take it off and let the thoughts fly.

I have also had to work on my poker face. There is some things that you see, hear , have to say etc that you CANNOT let your face betray your real thoughts.  To illustrate this point I came up with a few of the conversations I've had to have, things I have had to say and do in my tenure so far as a nurse.

The very first one  that pops to mind is the time I was taking care of a patient that was pronounced brain dead and was to become an organ donor. He was just about to go for his harvest when I got this phone call.

Me: Nurse Tonya Can I help you?
Family : Yeah I heard that my cousin's brother's brother in law (or something like that ) was pronounced brain dead.
Me; Yes  that is correct I am so sorry for your loss
Family: Well.. how long do you expect that to last?? .
 Me: umm... well forever madam, death is usually a permanent condition ( If my filter had NOT been in place I would have said what was running through my brain which was " Jesus came back in three days so mark it on your calender and call me  back and we'll see if you got lucky" . ) 
Family: Well ya mean after his surgery he  won't be un brain dead (Did I mention I live in the South?)
Me: Um.. no he won't be any better after they harvest his organs madam.
 Family: Why NOT?? (she's getting angry now)
Me. : Um because he won't have a heart, liver ,or kidney's in his body anymore??
Family: *hangs up*

I have actually had to say the words.. WITH A STRAIGHT FACE mind you .
" Ms. Smith this is Dr. Dufus he will be your anesthesiologist today and he will be going over the procedure" (and yes his name was pronounced just like it sounds)

I have also had to say. " I don't know about that I'll have to call Dr. Kevorkian and ask them" At the look of horror on my patient's face I had to back track and tell that that Dr Kevorkian was a she and no relation to the OTHER one. ( I would have changed my name if I was either one of these doctors)

I have had to write a note above a patient's bed that said " PLEASE DO NOT WRITE ON THE PATIENT!" This was after one of his drinking buddies had come by to visit him and after he left I went into the patient's room to find a smiley face written on his forehead", I love you" on the back of one hand and "from Jim" on the back of the other hand with dimples drawn on his face. I mean COME ON just because the guy is sedated on the ventilator in the ICU does not give you permission to treat him like a Doodle Bear!!.

I have participated in the cornering , and surrounding and apprehending of more that one naked patient brandishing a IV pole trying to make a break for it.

I have actually had to say " No I will not take his catheter out so you can give him a blow job!' " No I DON'T think that will bring him out of his coma!"

I have been in the room taking care of a patient on the ventilator ( their lungs) on all the cardiovascular drugs we can give them to give them a blood pressure, and running a dialysis machine ( for their kidneys) and have  a family member ask if I would say the patient was "technically" ( they used air quotes on me) on life support.  ( I wanted to say WTF?? Are you not seeing what the hell I am seeing?? Of COURSE they are on life support. !) But what  I said  out loud was " Yes they are on life support" . ( see filter firmly in place there)

I have had to keep a straight face when the 3 children of a dying patient that I had just discussed making her a DNR or no code due to her poor prognosis came up to me and asked " What is $1500 split 3 ways?" I answered "$500?" They conferred again briefly and then said " OK you can pull the plug now"

I have had to wheel a corpse to our temporary morgue freezer which was a freezer truck in our ER's parking lot. affectionately called the Corpsecicle truck.  So we had to wheel the bodies outside, onto the lift of the semi, at night (because I work nights) in a bad part of town, press the lift button, ride the lift to the bed of the truck and push the body inside. One night my stretcher almost.. allllmoooost flipped over with my rather heavy corpse on it. I was sooo not going to be able to pick up the body on the ground had it flipped over, nor could I imagine leaving it there while I ran inside to get help for the dead man in the parking lot. Guess I got lucky he stayed put.

The final one I'll share today is the time when a patient had died and I had to go out to waiting room with the doctor to explain that they had died despite our efforts to save them. The doctor explained that the patient had died from a lack of oxygen for a prolonged period of time. The patient's grandson yelled out " She couldn't have run out of oxygen we rolled down the windows in *town about 30  min from hospital* and we let her head hang out, so she got plenty of oxygen ( now I have the visual of dead grandma's head hanging out of the window of a car doing ninety.) 


I'm sure I' ll think of  more later, and most likely there will be more entries in Tales from the Bedside. But for now I'm going to bed.