I see naked people....

....every day at work.  Guaranteed. And trust me it is NEVER the "good" kind of naked. I was thinking about that this morning on my drive home. I have seen more peni ( my personal plural form of penis) in my tenure as a nurse than your average hooker. I work Critical Care which  means we practice primary nursing. The nurses do everything, baths, clean up, meds the whole package on patients that, for the most part, cannot do a thing for themselves. Every day I head into work it is with 100% certainty that I will come face to face with several peni, and vaginas during my shift.  What other job, other than porn, has that certainty??? None that I can think of off the top of my head.  I mean an accountant doesn't have to worry that on " no pants Friday" he's going to have to look at the guy in the next cubicle's schlong all day. Yet at least several times a night I find my self saying " Mr . Jones.. put that away.. no one wants to see that!" or " Miss Smith put your clothes back on, how does your gown keep ending up in the floor??"

When I was but a 1st semester nursing student it was the " naked" thing that worried me the most. Not the shots, not the blood, not the gore, it was having to touch old  man penis that creeped me out the most. It did not help when on my very first clinical day in the nursing home I was assigned my first patient to do a bed bath on, and it was a man. DAMN. In my head I was praying " please let it be a she.. please let it be a she.. please please please.. " but no... I get a man.. and not just any old man.. a dirty old pervert. This little man stalked me in his wheelchair for the first 2 hours of clinicals with a gleam in his eye asking the same damn question. " is it time for my bath yet??" " how bout now??" " is it time now??" Every time I turned around the was there looking at me hopeful and expectant. All I could think of was " Oh my GOD. I have to see him naked.. no no nonononononononono." When I had delayed no longer I told him it was time and he was off like a shot  .. squee squee squeee was the sound his wheelchair made as he booked it back to his room faster than I could keep up.  Dejected and a bit nauseated I followed the excited little man feeling like I was heading for a death sentence. Let me tell you I'm pretty sure I blacked out a little or at least did half the bath with my eyes closed and was picking up parts with my thumb and index finger much like you would when handling something particularly nasty.  I now laugh and think of how I would have handled that little man now vs the way I did then.

Fast forward a few years and  really nothing can shock me too much, and naked doesn't bother me at all. Heck the first thing we do to most ICU patients when they arrive is strip them down to their birthday suits. Trust me some of those are presents that NO ONE wants to open ;-)  And men are men most of them are VERY proud of their equipment weather they ought to be or not. And I wanted to curse the SOB that came up with the penile implants because for a while there the men that had them all wanted to show me how well they worked.. which often lead to phrases like this having to be uttered. " That's nice Mr. Jones.. yes I see.. now deflate your penis and take your pills. No I don't need to see how you pump it up again.. the first 3 times were enough. "  Or  " Mr Smith... yes it's impressive how you can bend it like a pipe cleaner and it stays now put it away so I can give you your lunch"  etc etc etc. Even comatose patients when waking up with have a " positive penis sign" because even if they are unaware of anything else, and no matter how you have them tied down for their safety it is the first damn thing they try to reach for.. just to make sure it's still there I guess. Women do not reach and do a vagina check... or a boob check... never seen it happen, but for men.. straight to find their best friend.

And being in nursing we have all had our share of lewd obnoxious patients. Usually someone in DT's that is confused, and just really wants to show you their stuff, no matter how creative you try to be to keep it hidden. I remember one gentleman that kept exposing himself to me every single time I walked in the room usually accompanied by such original comments as " you like what you see baby?" " wanna join me??" and the ever so original and popular " are you the HEAD nurse? "  When I had finally had enough and walked in staring right at Mr. Happy again, I stepped out of the room and brought 2 other nurses back with me. I conferred with them and said.. " I think this one wins for the smallest one yet don't you??" to which the other one replied " Yup definitely, I can barely see it from here what do you think ( as she looks at nurse 3) ?" Don't cha know he didn't flash me again the rest of the night ;-).

So if you are ever having a bad day at work, and think your job sucks look around. Does everyone have their clothes on?? If so... remember it could be worse, you could be that nurse having to corner the psychotic naked man that escaped from his room and was making a break for it down the hall. Or having to do rock paper scissors on who has to venture there to place a catheter on a patient who's personal hygiene is not at the top of their priority list. Feel better now?? You should.  But this is another reason I love my job, it's never boring, never the same day twice and I look forward to the next thing that happens that makes me go WTF???